To where we are
by stilljustme
Summary: Life's too short for not being with the one you love. Set somewhere round season one


They drove in stony silence. Every once in a while John would turn his head to the side, just checking if Ben was still breathing. Ben kept staring straight ahead, lips pressed together tightly, arms crossed in front of his chest. He obviously was breathing, but that was all to be said about him right now.

"You know, boot, if it had been my father's funeral…"  
"Coop. Stop it." The words came out strangely pressed, spoken from between clenched teeth. Still Ben wouldn't look at him.  
John sighed. He had known before that this wasn't going to be easy, burying your family never was, no matter what you thought of them when they were alive. After all he had heard about the boot's father, he had expected something to happen.

Just not that.

"You sure you don't wanna talk about it?"  
Ben took a deep breath, still not moving. "Sure."  
"It's just that…"  
"John!" Ben's arms fell open as he turned to his TO, finally looking at him. "Just…" He broke off to steady his voice, "just don't."

Cooper nodded soothingly. "Okay." Another last look to the man beside him, filled with more concern than he would ever let on. Ben seldom called him at his first name.

Ben swallowed heavily and then moved back to his former position, straightened up and arms crossed, as if he wanted to steady himself. The only thing that had changed were the tears that now made their way out of his eyes and down his cheeks. Ben's jaw tightened even more than before, but it only made the tears flow quicker. After two minutes of silent crying he finally wiped them off, shaking with anger at his own weakness.

"It's okay."  
"No" Ben hissed, "it's not. Not because of him!"  
"He was your father after all, Ben."  
"He ruined my mother's life! He abandoned us for money!"  
"And still he's your father. And no matter how much you hated him, no matter what you held against him, he'll always be the man your mother once loved. And you wouldn't be here without him."  
"That's right" Ben grimaced, supposedly trying to grin, "if it wasn't for him, I'd not wasted five hours of my life pretending to grieve for a man that never cared for anyone than himself!"  
His hands were still shaking with rage – and a kind of helplessness John knew he would not admit to feel.  
"Bastard" Ben swore with closed eyes now, "what the hell did he…" He broke off, choked up with emotion. As his hands moved to fists John reached over and took them, forcing them to open.  
"It's okay, Ben."  
"No." But the younger's voice was weaker now, and he wouldn't let go of John's hand till they reached his house.

As John killed the engine the silence was complete. Carefully he wound out of the grip and got out of the car, not expecting Ben to follow him immediately. He knew the boot needed his time. It was hard to realize how important someone can be in your life, when all the time you tried to keep him out of it.  
Exhausted in every possible way, John brought a hand up to his face. He could need a beer now, and maybe some sleep – but before he had to get home. They had used Ben's car, but after the service it had been clear that he couldn't drive himself.

After five minutes Cooper's patience was as exhausted as he was. He went over to Ben's side of the car. "Come on, man, do you want me to drag you out of your car?"  
"Could you even do that?" Ben's forced smile didn't stand a chance against the deep sadness in his eyes. "Sorry" he said. Even his voice was hollow.  
Cooper sighed. "Get out of the car."

He waited for Ben to be out, lock the car and walk over to the front door. "See you tomorrow, then." Ben turned around. For once, John could read his partner's face, and he felt his heart contracting with sympathy – and a longing he didn't want to think about.  
"So… You're leaving?" Unsure, Ben took a step in direction of the man that had become so much more than a TO. "But how do you wanna…"  
"I figured I'd get a cab" John cut off the younger before he could get closer to him. He needed that distance now, or he would ruin everything.  
Ben bit his lips again. "I see." He thought for a moment. "Should I drive you home?"  
"Don't think that would be a good idea. Get some sleep, get some beer, get laid… probably not in that order." Cooper nodded at the younger man and quickly turned around.

Ben watched him go, his hands still warm of the other's grip. Now that Cooper was gone he felt the events of the day pressing down on his mind heavily, making it difficult to breathe. He wasn't sure he could bear to get into his house alone. But if he just ran after Coop now, the chances were high he would lose everything.

Cooper turned around at the end of the street to find Ben still standing at the door, looking at him. He sighed. There was nothing he wanted more right now than to get back and kiss the man, showing him that he wasn't alone. But chances were high that if he did he would lose everything.

Another few minutes passed, and none of the man moved.  
Finally Cooper nodded and went back. Against the rules, against better judgment.

Ben swallowed heavily as the man reappeared at the door. "You want to come in?"  
"Is there any chance you get in without me?"

Ben took a deep breath. This was not a question about a couple of hours, or a night. This was a question about a lifetime of hiding, going against the rules, being tested every day anew. It wasn't going to be easy. But things never had for him.

"Ben?" Cooper was very close now, but not touching the younger one yet. "You know times like these make people confused" he said, actually more to himself, "they want to know they're not alone in the world. That doesn't mean anything, and it's gone by usually in a couple of months." He searched for understanding in Ben's eyes, for logic, for madness – for anything that would prevent him from doing this.  
The only thing he saw was hunger.

But Ben kept himself together. "Listen, if you don't wanna do this…"

His voice was cut off by a kiss that made him stumble backwards. Coop pulled him close and Ben leaned into the fierce embrace, holding onto John as if he was the only one to save him.

Eventually John pulled back. "Is that really what you want, boot?" he asked hoarsely, his fingers still locked with Ben's.  
Ben swallowed heavily. "Like you said" he whispered "get some sleep, get a beer, get laid." He pulled John closer again, till he could feel the older man.  
Cooper took a deep breath. As much as he wanted – needed – to lay the kid right now, he didn't want to push too fast. Ben needed more than physical comfort now, and he had to tell him that he was here to give more – to give everything, in fact, if Ben would let him. This wasn't a question about a night, it was a question about a lifetime.

"I also said it wouldn't be a good idea." He forced himself to stay calm.  
Ben pulled away at once. "I see." He turned around, fumbling with his keys to get into the house, his breathing quick and shallow. "See you tomorrow, J… Coop." He stumbled against the door as the key finally hit the keyhole.

"Ben!"  
"It's okay." He opened the door, shivering by now. "As you said – it's a bad idea." Ben forced himself to look into John's eyes. "Thanks for… coming with me today." He nodded briefly but as he walked in he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

"I wasn't talking about this", Cooper said calmly. He couldn't see Ben's face in the darkness of the room, so it he'd have to choose his words carefully. "All I want you to know is that no matter where this will lead, I'll be there for you. You understand?"  
"Yeah, sure." Ben's voice was as smug as always when was about to burst. He chuckled hysterically. "No, actually, not really. What do you mean, dad?"

"I mean that I love you, you fucking idiot." Briskly Cooper walked in and kicked the door shut behind him. "I mean that if you need me to stay here and hold your hand, that's fine. But…" He fumbled for the light switch and hit it. Ben was standing right in front of him, crying openly.  
Coope straightened up. " But I'm not your father, Ben. I won't leave you."

Ben swallowed. "You promise?"  
"I do." He looked the younger up and down, searching for a sign. It always took a while to accept you're gay, shame as it was. And Ben was young, and handsome. He could get anybody, woman or man. He had no need of John Cooper if it wasn't for…

"I never saw you as a father, John." The tears had vanished from Ben's eyes as he moved closer to Coop. As gently as he could he took Cooper's face in his hands, looking for a sign of lying. Cooper passed the test without blinking. "So what now, boot?"

Ben took a deep breath. "Would you say it again?" he pressed out, once again ashamed at his own weakness.  
Cooper snorted, "What? The part where I said I'd never leave you?" He got earnest again. "I won't leave you, Ben. Not as long as you want me."

With an anguished cry Ben threw his arms around Cooper, letting himself be held by the strong arms. "The other thing" he whispered, shaking.  
Cooper calmly switched the lights off, then he pulled Ben up so their faces were at the same height. He pressed his forehead against Ben's. "I said I love you, Ben."  
"You mean it?"  
"As seriously as my oath." Ben nodded franticly, and John took him in his bear hug again, waiting for him to calm down. "So, what we're gonna do now?" Ben hadn't said that he loved him, but that was okay for him.

Ben laughed softly. "You're getting forgetful, old man" he whispered, and then kissed Cooper before he led him off the room. "Get laid."

Right before they entered the bedroom he turned around again. "John…"  
"It's okay, Ben." Gently at first, then hungrier, John started unbuttoning Ben's shirt.

"I love you too, John."


End file.
